This strange week

After coming back into the city from being home for Memorial Day, I have been going on more interviews and hanging out with friends.

Tuesday- Drove into the city, went on a few interviews, looked at a dog to potentially adopt (we didn't), got dinner at Katz's Deli (I had never been before), crepes at The Crooked Tree with friends.
Wednesday- Lunch with a friend before he left for a long time at Beyond Sushi, tea at Virage with friends, pizza at Two Boots, improv comedy show at Upright Citizen's Brigade
Thursday- Yoga, groceries, MoMA, LPQ (so good!), shopping in Soho, burgers at Soho Park, hanging out with friends in NoLIta
Today is Friday! I have been doing laundry, cooking, and doing monotonous administrative tasks. Going out to dinner or something later tonight. I have been so tired!

Some things I have been thinking about:
1. How I need more experience before I start my own business- in both working at an agency and maybe recipe development/ nutrition
2. How I might actually keep on with Unixchange (I love my partners)
3. Teaching English in Thailand
4. Learning more code
5. Being in this weird limbo state of almost fully employed and a non-student that could just pretend to be on vacation. Am I on vacation?
6. NYC itself- as a city, what the people who live here actually do, and what it means to live here. There are a lot of implications and unspoken social codes- walking fast, looking straight, and focusing on what you are doing right now. Also, what are all of those people doing eating at the same restaurant as my friends and I in the middle of the day? Where are they from? What do they do? Who are they with?

In a lot of ways, being a New Yorker is selfish and that makes living here really hard. At the same time, good friends make a huge difference. In a lot of ways, my friends are like my second family. I spend so much time with them and love them a ton. I guess a big difference is that I don't live with all of them and we never fight. I also never really got that one tight-knit group of friends that all of those cheesy movies about college normalize, but then again, I am pretty weird (then again, everyone thinks they are pretty weird).

I have a lot of friends from different aspects of my life, but on the strange occasions when they meet each other, they also seem to fall in love. I am really thankful to have people in my life who love and support me.

Ok, this got really cheesy- back to NYC -> if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. Everyone agrees that this is overly stated, but 100% true. I am trying to make it. TBC...

An attempt at creative writing

The woman who knew shame

She sat on the light blue bench on the subway. Nine more stops. She hated waiting, but she remembered her sunglasses and headphones. No one would bother her. Or at least she hoped so. She was headed home after working the early shift. All she wanted to do was sleep, but there were things to do at home. She had to stay awake.

Across the subway section sat two couples. One pair of 20-somethings who held hands and giggled. The other was a pair of 60-somethings who long ago stopped giggling, but had to still tolerate one another to stay together. On either side of the girl sat two men- one who also wore sunglasses indoor and had his headphones plugged in. He probably didn’t want anyone to bother him, either. He was really tall, but a bit skinny and had a light purple-yellow mark on his arm. He stared forward. The other man on the girl’s side was large like a body builder with skin tanned by the sun and secretly stared at the girl through the reflection in the Plexiglas window that otherwise only revealed the inside organs on the underground. It seemed like any other subway ride- ignoring the strangers who sat next to her and focusing on music or a book, while too distracted by a museum of shoes.

Bloody Mary by The Silversun Pickups was on full volume, but the sanctity of the girl’s headphones was shattered by the sputtering of a dwarf-like woman. She was not dwarf-like in the sense that she was small, but he face was red from rashes and her nose was incredibly round like something a make up artist for a Hollywood movie would construct. Her hair was greasy and covered in a black beanie that she pulled over her eyes as she doubled over sputtering enough for the entire subway car to watch her. The spectacle of spitting and pronounced coughing caused nearby passengers to flock to opposite ends of the car. People were oddly huddled together in clumps at the extreme right and left of the car despite the emanating empty space around the tortured woman. She coughed and coughed, and then stopped. All was calm and quiet for a minute. No one’s eyes strayed from the woman. She suddenly turned to a corner where the handrail met the bench and began to scream. She bent over as if she would hurl and allowed every exasperation that he body could afford into her screams. Both her missing teeth and whatever suffering she was battling were revealed to the entire subway car. For the length of the entire subway stop between 49^th Street and Times Square on the R train downtown, the haggard, tortured woman bore her soul. It disturbed the girl who sat with her headphones plugged in and sunglasses on.

Both couples across from the girl scrunched their foreheads in discomfort. The young girlfriend squeezed her boyfriend’s hand extra tight, so that he would understand she needed and felt his support.  The older couple looked around the subway care nervously, as if hoping there would be a place for them to move away from the screaming woman. The large, tan man sitting next to the girl appeared unfazed. The girl was thankful that the man who had seemed like someone intimidating could actually protect her from the woman she assumed was mentally ill- who knew what she would do? The guy to the girl’s left feigned his fear and sank back into the bench. The girl could see it. She saw more than other people did, or at least she thought so. She always noticed the small details- like a wedding ring, smudged makeup from crying, scars on her roommate’s wrists that were usually covered by long shirtsleeves. The girl picked at her thumb’s cuticle- a bad habit. She needed to paint her nails for her interview tomorrow, print out copies of her resume, and that screaming just didn’t stop.

How many of the people on the subway car also wanted to bare their souls?, wondered the girl. She considered how badly the others wanted to scream because of the ordinary monotony of their lives or the frustrations of their days. The overbearing shadow of normalcy or the incredible pressure of the unfair economic/ political/ social realities of the day. There was such immense pressure. Why did only the spitting, sputtering woman scream? Perhaps everyone felt that their souls could split at any moment. The girl did not know. She was both disturbed and intrigued.

The seemingly hushed voice of the MTA officer announced the arrival at Times Square. The hag turned from her corner, stood tall, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and walked to the frame of the open doors. Before she stepped out of the car, she looked back and said, “You should all be ashamed of yourselves.”

This girl is a recent NYU grad!

An alumna? Say what? Yeah. This girl just graduated college and it feels like a lot of things- exciting, weird, and invigorating all in one. All in all, I am really happy.

At the same time, a lot of things will be the same for me. I am not moving away after college- I am staying in the greatest city on earth (NYC, duh). My friends are still around (and many are still in school). Some have moved away or went away for the summer, but I know I will see them again because for myself and many other people, NYC is the center of the universe. (Side note: It is funny how small we make our worlds; how we focus on only three blocks and consider it the whole world or always walk the same way and get blindsided to everything around us). New York is my city and I am here to stay (at least for now). I may have left school, but campus is just a few avenues away and now, I don't have to write any more papers. A friend said to me that graduating NYU feels anti-climactic, and in a lot of ways, that is very true. Everything is still here for me and that will never change.

"No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks" -Childhood rhyme, Alice Cooper

If you were wondering about my grades, I made Dean's List, Honors Scholar, and some sort of something cum laude (still still waiting on one grade, but I think I got a 4.0 GPA this semester). I survived my finals and finished my final papers early because I just wanted to be done. 

To answer your lingering questions:

1) Did you graduate early? You are kind of young...

Yes to both. I did not take any summer classes and did not enroll in a special program. My AP classes from high school actually counted for credit, so I didn't need to take a lot of required classes and got to concentrate on classes that actually interested me.

2) Where was your graduation? How was it?

I actually had 2 graduations because NYU likes to go big, then make everyone go home. 

a) The first was my school graduation (Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and Human Development), which was held this past Monday at Radio City Music Hall. There was a lot of singing and dancing, which was surprising given that no one told us what was happening. My name was called at the Steinhardt graduation and I walked across the flat surface of the stage. It was magical and I blocked out the moment in an effort to not trip. I shook some hands and got a torch pin, which I lost. 

b) The second was the all-university graduation (NYU), which was held this past Wednesday at Yankee Stadium. There were a lot of people there and it was definitely an experience. I arrived with my freshman year roommate and good friend, Cristina. We had to hold onto each other's hands for dear life like we were fighting our way through a packed club the entire subway ride over because everyone graduating from NYU, their mother, father, and cousin's dog decided to also take the 4 uptown. We survived. The featured speaker, David Boies (semi-famous, hot-shot lawyer), tried to deliver a nice speech. He focused a little bit too much on gay marriage, which is an important topic, but never tied his argument fully back to the actual graduation. On the other hand, the student speaker (who happened to be MCC) kicked ass at the whole being inspirational thing. Good job. 

c) I also went to other graduation events, including the MCC Graduation Party, Grad Alley (they shut down streets on campus to have a whole bunch of carnival-type booths with free food), and grageuation at Pranna (unofficial, went with friends). Also made my first venture to 13th Step. Oh, lordy.


3) What are you going to do now?

Go to Disney Land! Not really. Planning on doing the whole job thing. Have been actively interviewing, so will keep you posted. I still want to teach English in Thailand for a year and probably get my MBA in the very near future. Maybe I will write that book I keep saying I will write. I will keep writing and coaching skating, for sure. TBC...

4) Where are you living?

The East Village, y'all! My friends all live a few blocks away, which is very ideal. Oh, and I finally moved into my new apartment. It was a long, arduous process. My parents and friends helped a lot. Steps included borrowing cars and visiting Ikea in Brooklyn. Thank you to everyone who helped! Amusingly, I had my apartment housewarming before I was officially moved in. I guess that is how I do.

5) What have you eaten lately?

Middle Eastern Eggs at Cafe Mogador; Blue Lemonade Macaron Ice Cream Sandwich at Macaron Parlour; Veggie Dumplings, Papaya Salad, Curry Vegetable Broth Soup at Republic; Frozen Matcha, Matcha Chocolate Lava Cake at Spot; Grilled Cactus, Chicken Mole, Kahlua Flan at La Palapa; Homemade pasta with clams at Tommy Lasanga; Butterscotch pudding at Puddin'; Chicken, Beef, and Shrimp Dumplings at Dumpling Man; Grilled Kangaroo and Fries with Hot Chili Sauce at The Australian; Cajun Chicken for brunch at Yaffa Cafe; Fish Tacos, Berry Waffels at Max Brenner's; Chicken Everything but the Kitchen Sink Salad with Mushroom Gravy at Meatball Shop. #ilikefood  

6) What did you do for Memorial Day weekend? Went home to hang out with the fam bam. Unfortunately, I have been sick the whole time. Lloraba y lloraba. I have been enjoying my parents' food and partaking in a very intense Netflix binge since the 'rents nixed cable. I also visited my great aunt and saw The Great Gatsby in theaters. 

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Other thoughts...


I met with a friend who graduated from my major a few years ago, and his words have been haunting me: 

"Just think: You can be rich! You can be famous! You can change the world!"

Everything he said to me was shocking because it is really true. I could be all of those things if I worked hard enough and strived to achieve them. The world is my oyster and New York is the true land of milk and honey. Yet, I decided long ago I didn't need to be rich or famous. At the same time, maybe I do want to change the world. I am just not sure how I will impact it yet. I know a lot of people believe in these lofty platitudes for themselves, but it has a whole different meaning when someone looks you in the eye and says they truly believe you will achieve greatness. I truly don't want to be ordinary- I want to be great.

Continuum: not a beginning, not an end

I keep hearing people call graduation a new beginning or an end. However, I am not a traditionalist. I don't see this as the end of my life or the beginning of my future/ 'real life.' I see life as life. Everything flows together and cares not for feelings or wants. I will still be me before and after this 'end,' 'beginning,' or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Time is relative and to label such a thing without infiniteness is amusing at best. Allora, I understand the world owes me nothing.

The advice I have been receiving lately has been much appreciated, but I have to make my own bed to lie in. I will make my own success. I will make my own failure. It is hard to explain this indefinitely to someone, especially someone staying in school or who has a stable job. Overall, I feel very misunderstood. However, I should not be surprised. My way of thinking is different than the norm and therefore, lonely. It is lonely to truly disbelieve that college has to be done in 4 years or that you don't need a sprawling, idyllic campus or to join a fraternity/ sorority or you can be happy doing something you like and not having to make a lot of money. It is lonely and hard and frustrating to think this way.

However, I am hopeful. When walking up the subway stairs onto 23rd Street, I looked up at the darkening sky. I remembered looking up from exactly where I climbed those dirty stairs a few months ago and thinking, "God. Everything is so beautiful." Everything was beautiful and the beauty emanated from beggars to cars to skyscrapers to squirrels to dogs. Everywhere I looked streamed beauty. I could feel it all. I missed that feeling while walking up those subway stairs. As I reached the top, I realized I was the only one holding myself back from seeing and feeling all of the beauty in the world. The world was still beautiful, I just needed to open my eyes. To appreciate what was right before me, once again. To truly see.