I keep hearing people call graduation a new beginning or an end. However, I am not a traditionalist. I don't see this as the end of my life or the beginning of my future/ 'real life.' I see life as life. Everything flows together and cares not for feelings or wants. I will still be me before and after this 'end,' 'beginning,' or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Time is relative and to label such a thing without infiniteness is amusing at best. Allora, I understand the world owes me nothing.
The advice I have been receiving lately has been much appreciated, but I have to make my own bed to lie in. I will make my own success. I will make my own failure. It is hard to explain this indefinitely to someone, especially someone staying in school or who has a stable job. Overall, I feel very misunderstood. However, I should not be surprised. My way of thinking is different than the norm and therefore, lonely. It is lonely to truly disbelieve that college has to be done in 4 years or that you don't need a sprawling, idyllic campus or to join a fraternity/ sorority or you can be happy doing something you like and not having to make a lot of money. It is lonely and hard and frustrating to think this way.
However, I am hopeful. When walking up the subway stairs onto 23rd Street, I looked up at the darkening sky. I remembered looking up from exactly where I climbed those dirty stairs a few months ago and thinking, "God. Everything is so beautiful." Everything was beautiful and the beauty emanated from beggars to cars to skyscrapers to squirrels to dogs. Everywhere I looked streamed beauty. I could feel it all. I missed that feeling while walking up those subway stairs. As I reached the top, I realized I was the only one holding myself back from seeing and feeling all of the beauty in the world. The world was still beautiful, I just needed to open my eyes. To appreciate what was right before me, once again. To truly see.
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