Growing

I can barely believe that it is already October. It was only April when I got my first apartment, May when I graduated, June when I started my job, and July when I met my now boyfriend. But it's October now and I am more settled into this life I am living- that of a supposed adult.

I keep joking that I am only a real adult when I get groceries. Perhaps this is because my grocery shopping is a macrocosmic representation of my state of mind: I enter the store with a purpose, but am rarely ever sure what I want. There are too many options and I become crippled by indecision. The things I thought I wanted seem less appealing in comparison to new options. Yet, sometimes, I know exactly what I want, but that is rare. Occasionally, I will walk in and walk out with nothing because I have faced and accepted my own inaction. In other words, sometimes I am not even sure if I want what I have or if I have what I want- not because of my own original thoughts, but the influence of society and its culture and my impending anxiety. I over-think things until they seem meaningless, which makes the next day more confusing once I care again.

Nevertheless, there is so much I want out of life- to do, to accomplish, to be- like sucking the marrow out of life. I want it all- that might be lofty or unrealistic, but I am that type of person who can make it here, in this big city (and that is enough for now). I am lucky enough to have friends that make this strange place fun instead of lonely, because NYC can be pretty lonely. The beauty is knowing that all of this might not last- for whatever reason- so I need to appreciate it now- my amount of responsibility, the food I eat, the friends I love, my health, and humor. All of it is fleeting, so I might as well live my life how I want to now. This thought process hasn't changed for me.

The way I have been living has changed slightly (student to real person or whatever that means), but I am still me. I am just figuring out exactly what I want and refining that (if I will ever know) and learning more about myself and the world. I know I have so much more to learn, so I am growing.

---

Otherwise, the latest in the L&T's: went to Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, ate lots of food, passed my basic DFA exam, and plan on taking more. As always, I need to write more. What I am looking forward to: mom coming on Saturday and going to Boston with Osho the weekend after that.

xoxo
S